I didn't realize how deceptive I can be towards myself. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised seeing as I sort of pride myself on seeming mysterious towards other people. It was only a matter of time before my brain took over and left me standing in the dust, degected behind addiction and laziness. Well now that I am supposedly the creme de la creme of U of T students, I feel a bit hypocritical. I feel like I have lied my way into a program. I realize this isn't entirely true - I definitely care enough, and have done way more than most people my age towards my chosen career. However, months of loneliness and doing nothing (much) have taken their tole and I am now sitting here wondering if I will ever be my old self again. I now have four months to get over my addictions, re-learn how to learn, find passion, delve into reading, and generally figure out where I stand so that I cannot be pushed aside by other people's opinions.
And I figured this out finally: being humble is doing an incredible job in life and when people praise you, saying "it wasn't really me that did it." I am not very good at this. A lot of what I do is really searching for praise for myself. Perpetual concious effort is necessary for change.
I know that the old me is in here somewhere, in need of a little push, a little challenge. But can I challenge myself? I think I can. I know best what buttons push me into action.
I just needed to write down what I was thinking. memememememe. It is done.
Ta for humouring me.
actually I feel a bit better now.
Gerast áskrifandi að:
Birta ummæli (Atom)
5 ummæli:
i like writing down what i am thinking. it makes me feel better. like it's out there and i don't need to dwell on it anymore. i have said it and there is nothing left more to say.
i am extremely happy you got into your program and i think you totally deserve it.
i suck at being humble. nor do i want to most of the time. and that what is exactlly waht it seems to take to fix that: "perpetual conscious effort". like most of life.
it's interesting: both of us see no real reason to get out of bed in the morning, and yet here we both are, writing on each other's blogs. unless you're actually doing this from in bed. in which case, daaamn, you're way better at this than i am...
I disagree with your definition of humble. Being humble doesn't mean convincing yourself that you aren't good at what you do, that's just silly. There's nothing wrong with recognizing you did good. I tend to lean towards CS Lewis' definition, being truly humble is about looking with pride on something you did and taking no more, no less joy in it as if someone else had done it. It's being able to take pride in everyone's accomplishments equally, not about refusing to take pride in your own.
i think there is a difference between being quietly proud of yourself for something and purposely creating situations where people tell you how great you are and give you standing ovations. i suppose what i meant by "it wasn't really me that did it" is acknowledging that i am motivated by a love for the God i worship, and a personal need to see compassion for all humanity. i am just getting a bit sick of people telling me what a great person i am for going into international development... i HATE it. and i'm scared that i'll start to assume that they're right, i AM a great person and i'm better than everyone else and i'm not thinking about myself at all. i would much prefer it if people were interested in the sort of things i'll be doing, and not me who is doing them.
i feel stupid writing this out loud.
well one thing you need to recognize is that a lot of times when someone praises another person for doing something they admire, it's because they wish they were doing something like that. and so you sort of feel like if you encourage and support someone who actually is doing it, then it makes up in some small way for your own feelings of not doing enough. cause i think it's fair to say most people like the idea of doing good and that most people wish they did more. and when they see in someone else what they wish they were themselves, it becomes almost a self-gratifying thing to praise them, a way of telling yourself that at least /someone/'s doing it so it's not thaaat bad that you aren't personally. we all have to make a hero out of someone.
so if it really bothers you that much, just think about how most of us are talking with at least some degree of self-interest.
it may cynical. but you can bet the guy who invented back up parachutes wasn't a rainbow-crapping optimist.
Skrifa ummæli