Something has been bothering me for a while. Almost every time I tell someone that I am in IDS, they say something along the lines of "Wow, you must have been on many missions trips," or, "So have you ever been to a developing country?"
I don't understand where this mentality comes from. It isn't very difficult once you take a good long look to realize that there is something very wrong with the world and it seems very natural to me that I should try and help fix part of it now I know.
Why should I have to be embarrassed to say that I have never seen someone who lives on $1 a day first-hand? I am not going to go overseas just so I can come back and tell everyone what a moving experience it was for me. I am in no way trying to accuse anyone else of that. Short-term missions trips are important for many different reasons. But it is possible to have your heart broken from thousands of miles away. It is possible for me to see that I have the upper-hand in an unfair world. It is possible for me to want to change myself before I go out to change other people.

Does that make sense?

Another thing. I am not a great person. I am not better than anyone else. I don't have higher morals or anything like that. I have gotten into this habit of smiling when I tell someone what I study and I think it is because I have learned to expect them to say "That is great! What a noble thing.." and look at me in awe. But I think I hate myself a bit for learning to expect that. I do horrible things, and sometimes I do good things, and lots of times I fail or am too scared to do what I know I should. At nineteen I have already learned to live on past accomplishments rather than steadfastly work hard. And that only leads to failure. I think this is bothering me because I really want to change and improve. And I'm learning that I can't do that alone.