It is so easy, once you know, to purposely forget. For a while, there can be a comforting facade before you. This cool glass of lemonade in the garden of feigned ignorance.
For me, the garden in my mind is only temporary. I have planted flowers to cover the weeds that are deeply rooted everywhere. Even as I pretend to admire my work, the too-sweet lemonade reminds me that it isn't real. If I look closely, I can already see some flowers wilt as their stems are strangled by something that grows deeper.
These weeds were planted when my heart and mind broke. If this sounds cliche, let me explain. This is not about some boy. I am too young and too guarded to allow myself the vulnerability that accompanies that sort of love. After I broke, I was forced to question every action I take.
What is the name of the child who made my shoes? How old are they?
I wonder if someone died so I could eat this chocolate bar.
I wonder how many people died so I could eat this chocolate bar.
Why am I spending so much money on food and new clothes?
How can I waste so much time?
How can I leave lights on overnight?
Why can't I just finish everything I have to do before dark?
I can't believe I just refused to give that guy a few dollars.
How can I eat when I'm not hungry?
Why didn't I offer to help?
How come I'm too scared to ask if my coffee is fair trade?
Why am I embarressed to talk about important things?
What if he really needed me then?
What is so difficult about recycling?!?
There goes another aluminum pop can..
Why the fuck did I get braces?
What a complete waste of $$.
Am I that insecure about my appearance? How will having straight teeth do anything to help?
How can I call myself a Christian when I don't participate in what I believe?
I should have said 'no' to the bottle of water.
20 minute showers? Every day?
I could have walked here.
I could have taken public transit here.
I throw tantrums over the stupidest things.
Why do I enjoy watching America's Next Top Model when there are more pressing things like famines that need my attention?
What is wrong with my priorities?
How can I let my parents drive me and pay for cello ($80/hr)? How can I enjoy music when I know it is something I could do without? That $ could feed people.
I'm too lazy to write letters. I should be writing letters.
Constant perpetual conscience.
Do you understand why I planted a garden over it?
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we need a coffee. and soon!
meanwhile, let's see what we can dissect from this. take it all one step at a time...
braces are more deeply important than just the improvement of appearance, i think. having all of your teeth nice a straight makes eating a whole lot easier, and helps to prevent bigger issues later on in life involving teeth growing into each other or poking through gum where they shouldnt, etc etc. which would be very painful. not to mention even more expensive to fix. so really, getting braces is the cheapest and easiest solution to the problem. most people just get caught up on the physical appearance aspect of it. although the fact that you didn't really speaks for the sort of person you are...
All I can say is that this is why I'm glad that there's grace for all the ways that we have messed this world up majorly.
You had me until you started talking about how you could do without music. Could you really? Could anyone? I know I sure couldn't.
I think that when we feel so overwhelmed with the world and things that are wrong with it, it's the time we need to go back to God the most. Just sit there. Listen. Pray. And let God place one thing on our hearts that we can be overly passionate about. And make a difference in that one specific situation. If we try and change everything at once, nothing ever gets finished. It just kills us inside because we hold onto too many burdens.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with you watching America's Next Top Model. everyone needs something that they can escape to in their lives; something that doesn't require them to think overly hard or worry about something or someone or do anything at all. if you didn't watch your television shows, and just gave all your attention to famines and the other bad things going on in the world, you would very quickly break down. and then you'd be doing nobody any good, including yourself. so keep on watching America's Next Top Model, and don't feel bad at all for doing it.
you are going to be legendary if you can focus that want to do something productive, which is what you're in school for (congrats again) so you'll be legend. we will produce the documentary on your life.
and music... yeah. I dunno. I still need to find a way to channel it into something useful. but music is culture is beautiful.
Maddy your love for music is yours don't let anyone take that away from you. I think the food would be somehow tainted, because there would be some resentment behind having to give it up. Find other ways, do the coffee thing, make sure your lights are off, get a good education to learn how to save the world, take extra money you may have and give it to the poor children.
Music is spiritual.
i think i didn't explain things very well. it made sense to me when i wrote this.
i don't really need answers to my questions. i am capable of reasoning, however i am thinking these things despite reason. i think i am learning to use my questions to my advantage, it is just taking me a while to get used to this new uncontrollable voice.
i did not mean getting rid of music entirely, i meant getting rid of expensive music. my parents spend over $5000 annually for lessons. is it really worth it? i don't know.
i thought and wished i could pretend to be a normal 18 who doesn't think or care about global food shortages, but it didn't work. it made me feel guiltier and emptier. i suck at doing normal things like going to the mall, or to the movies. i am trying to find a way to balance the need to know about the world and the constant heart breaking that goes along with it.
i feel like i'm tooting my own horn and acting all 'better than thou'.... gah
i'm really not trying to.. i don't think i'm better than anyone. i wanted to explain what's holding me back.
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