I didn't realize how deceptive I can be towards myself. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised seeing as I sort of pride myself on seeming mysterious towards other people. It was only a matter of time before my brain took over and left me standing in the dust, degected behind addiction and laziness. Well now that I am supposedly the creme de la creme of U of T students, I feel a bit hypocritical. I feel like I have lied my way into a program. I realize this isn't entirely true - I definitely care enough, and have done way more than most people my age towards my chosen career. However, months of loneliness and doing nothing (much) have taken their tole and I am now sitting here wondering if I will ever be my old self again. I now have four months to get over my addictions, re-learn how to learn, find passion, delve into reading, and generally figure out where I stand so that I cannot be pushed aside by other people's opinions.

And I figured this out finally: being humble is doing an incredible job in life and when people praise you, saying "it wasn't really me that did it." I am not very good at this. A lot of what I do is really searching for praise for myself. Perpetual concious effort is necessary for change.

I know that the old me is in here somewhere, in need of a little push, a little challenge. But can I challenge myself? I think I can. I know best what buttons push me into action.

I just needed to write down what I was thinking. memememememe. It is done.
Ta for humouring me.

actually I feel a bit better now.

Things to do

I found this list in my bedroom today. It is from two or three years ago. And I have only done one thing on it so far. Maybe two. Can you guess which?

1. Make Creme Brulee
2. Lightbulb in microwave
3. Wake up especially to watch the sun rise
4. Spend a whole day hiking
5. Actually finish War and Peace
6. See all Shakespeare plays
7. Have a food fight
8. Spend a day taking pictures
9. Go to an INTERESTING museum
10. Paint a picture
11. Outside of school, take the time to learn something.
12. Take a train somewhere
13. Cook popcorn with the lid off
14. Matress-slide down the stairs
15. Dress up in winter clothes in the summer, and go for a long walk outside
16. Knit the longest scarf in the world
17. Put on a puppet show
18. BEATLES DAY!!
19. Have a picnic in High Park
20. Increase my vocabulary with really really helpful words
21. Foreign Film Night
22. Rent all Pengu films
23. Re-learn how to read lips
24. Practice doing the splits
25. Crack eggs on my head
26. Get motorcycle license
27. Make homemade wine
28. Join Amnesty International
29. Spend a night with a friend in a graveyard

I heard the voice of Jesus say,
'I am this dark world's light;
Look unto me, thy morn shall rise,
And all thy day be bright.':

I looked to Jesus, and I found
In him my Star, my Sun;
And in that light of life I'll walk
Till travelling days are done.

Edit:
I got my bob.







Annnd: I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO U OF T SCARBOROUGH!!!! I'M GOING INTO INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT STUDIES WITH A 1 YEAR CO-OP PROGRAM OVERSEAS!!!!!! AND THEY GAVE ME A 1000$ SCHOLARSHIP!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

stupid.

For a week and a half I have:

had a feeling like my gut is twisted in a very odd position that is making my bladder much smaller.

slept way more than is humanly normal

been close but unable to cry

decided to become more aware of the nasty parts of our world

created a new word: fwoppy (the way you feel when you've slept too much)

stopped using youtube. completely. no youtube. no no no no no

decided that I don't like putting myself in situations where I can be rejected.

thought longingly of warm sunny climates.


STUPID SNOW. STUPID UNIVERSITY AUDITIONS & INTERVIEWS. STUPID NOT DOING ANYTHING. STUPID JOB SEARCHING. STUPID ME. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID.


ps. does anyone else have it where when they don't have much to do, they just lay there going over every embarressing thing they have ever done? I have done many many many many embarressing things.

International Development Interview

"Madeleine, talk about everything you are passionate about for half an hour."

If they'd told me that before my interview, I wouldn't have been so nervous.

Here's to hoping they found me charming and knowledgeable.
Baaaaaah! I must get in, I must!!!

#4

Right, well no one else seems to be taking an active interest in Rachel's creative thingy a week thing (cough cough.. Rachel), so I am going to continue it, even if it's just me doing it. This week is another quote, this time from Shakespeare.


How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
Here we will sit and let the sounds of music
Creep in our ears; soft stillness and the night
Become the touches of sweet harmony.

maddythoughts

When peering at my reflection last night, I came to the epiphany that except for the braces, acne, and lack of bust, I'm not all that bad looking.








Thank goodness I haven't turned vain.