Character of the Week

2011-02-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

This week I learned how to inject crack safely. I've been thinking about truth and learning and how learning should change who you are/who you become.... I've learned more in one week than a bloody long time. Exciting and scary, but good.

Also, here is a song I'm working on:

Still
The street-side fruit stands and equally bright coloured mountains of shirts and
knickknacks without end.
We skirt round edges, opening doors
Trying on hats
Fat snowflakes blurrrrrr, it turns into
A vivid pillowfight, difficult to forget
And time will move on,
Perhaps nothing will change,
But that’s ok, that’s ok

Fishing for the best treat in the midst of chaos, messy,
with no answers, lots of questions.
We skirt round edges, opening doors
Avoiding eyes
Apologetic, peering into crinkly faces, then the ground
Brown slush stirred up by speedy cars
Being on the brink of a place a step and a thousand away
In the same time, same space
Perhaps everything will change
And that’s ok, that’s ok

Empty Box Thoughts

2010-10-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

First, I cut a window. You need a window or twenty because you need light and this house doesn't have electricity. Next, a spiral staircase, iron, curls its way up to the bedroom balcony a stone's throw away from Romeo and Juliet. The stairs mean you won't have to throw any stones unless I am asleep, in which case a boulder will suffice. By August the rails will be dressed bottom to top in deep blue and purple Morning Glories. In the back yard there will be a brick oven for baking bread and perhaps a pizza on occasion. This is important: there will be those mugs that look like jam jars in the kitchen. Or simply jam jars. I'm not picky. On the third floor - hardwood - a small room near the back will be home to my cello and a chair and stand I guess. This place will be decorated by dresses on sewing mannequins. Grandma's wedding gown, bought in 50's New York. High school prom in a 1960's party dress that ripped as I leaped.... Literally...
There WILL be a library - books of all sorts - well thumbed (hopefully well read). I can make these using blank paper and a pencil. Mini toothbrushes.. still trying to think that through.
My house will be primary
A pale blue kitchen, red study, yellow and green bedrooms. I will however, try out a golden living room facing southwest because of Terabithia. Boardgames, puzzles, cards of all sorts, everything in an old traveling trunk behind the couch.

2010-09-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Things I am looking forward to:

karate class

potentially being in a gospel choir again

finishing second-year biology (so much bloody memory work)

Things I am not looking forward to:

so much bloody memory work

searching for a job

not being around kids much

2010-07-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Hello there,
It's been a while, mostly because I've been busy and life has actually been interesting (I tend to write when I'm bored/have time to think). I wanted to give an update, but I'm not really allowed to talk much about work on here. Suffice to say, I am learning a lot about leading people.. The kids arrive on Monday - we have about 17-18 signed up. I am TIRED already! Ahhhhhh! I think I'm gonna look for a less crazy job in September.

Been taking bio - I love my one course - ecology/anatomy. Not so much into cell biology (it is really complicated). Today I have to write up my two major assignments.

I got myself published :) It is just a fairly straightforward little article about someone in one of our programs. I'm still working on my short story.. actually not very actively working, but I showed it to a great friend and got some advice about it.

That's about it. I haven't completed much else on my bucket list. I might learn how to juggle next.

music, writing, waxing, animal murder

2010-04-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

I bought Dark Side of the Moon a week ago and listened to it with my Dad. He told me that my Uncle Steve has the original album on record! Crazy, eh? This is something I probably never would have known if I hadn't bought the album myself, and is confirmation to me that I am doing the right thing with this whole "project." I enjoyed the album itself. It got me thinking about Abbey Road and all the conceptual stuff that has come out of there. I've been there - it is such a normal place, but it has significantly changed the paths of music time and time again. I wonder if this is a British thing - or something unique to Abbey Road.. or both. I think I can tell from the music that Pink Floyd was using drugs that speed up the mind (rather than the slow stuff the Beatles were on). I wondered while listening: is it possible to come up with crazy things without being on anything? :)

This week I am working on a short story to submit to a contest. I need help with editing it - I haven't really done this sort of creative writing since high school, and I want to make sure I avoid cliches or amature mistakes. Would anyone be interested in reading it?
This week I am also going to wax my legs for the first time. Bought the stuff already - the instructions have instilled in me a great fear! But it must be done.

Finally, I have added a new thing to my list. People always ask me if I am vegetarian (I think because of my hippie vibe thing). I am not, and I always say that my belief is that if you are going to eat meat you have to be willing to kill and prepare it yourself. I've never done this before. I've never even gone fishing. So this summer I want to see if I am capable of this. I'm not sure how to go about this. I think I would like to start with a chicken because it is small and I eat it the most. Does anyone know of a chicken farm where I could do this? I think this would be a really challenging and important addition to my list.

Tall, Dark and Mongolian

2010-04-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today: finished Pride and Prejudice and had Mongolian Hot Pot :D

I've had an aversion to Jane Austen for many years due to my love of Russian Lit. Tolstoy has always seemed superior to Austen and I never tried to get past the first chapter or two of P&P. Two things about Austen:
I was surprised to find that I really liked it - enough that I think I'll read the rest of her stuff. She is good at explaining how people are feeling. And I like her sense of humour.
Secondly, Darcy is really overrated. Not that he isn't a good guy, but I'm pretty certain most girls in reality would find this kind of guy boring and awkward. All my life I've heard fellow ladies rattle on and on about how they want to find their Darcy. They don't. They want charisma. They want Wickham. I think I want a cross between the two. Someone who's willing to throw caution to the winds and run away, but who decides to get married first.

Mongolian Hot Pot! Wow! Great stuff. Kind of like Korean Hot Pot. If you've never had either, I will take you out for it :D
In short, everyone is given their own pot of soup stock and there is an all you can eat buffet of stuff (vegetables, fish, tofu, noodles, dumplings etc) to put in your soup (which is boiling on a mini cooker in front of you). And they give you plates of thinly sliced uncooked meat which goes in as well. Amazing! Dinner takes the whole evening and you kind of make it up as you go along... Made me realize I know very little about Mongolia and so Wikipedia, here I come...

This whole experiencing new things has truly inspired me and made me all happy and excited about life. I am currently perfecting my list - everyone I talk to gives me suggestions, so it is getting longer. I just found out today that this is called a Bucket List. Somehow never heard that term before.

2010-03-31T19:17:00.000-07:00

First ever visit to burger king today.
First ever real heart palpatations this evening.

life to the full

2010-03-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this BBC radio programme online recently, called "I've never seen star wars." The idea is that famous comedians come on to the show and try a bunch of things they've never done before. It's inspired me to start on a list of my never befores. Which I will try to fulfill over the summer.
- eaten a big mac
- waxed anything
- driven. car or motorcycle
- listened to: Pink Floyd, The Sex Pistols, Joni Mitchell...
- actually, looking at the Rolling Stone top 100 albums, I've missed out on a lot. I think I will try to listen to the top 15-20 this summer. Also willing to take suggestions.
I have this sort of laissez-faire approach to music.. which means I've also never been to a genuine rock concert, I mean one with good bands. I've never been to an opera either.
- tatoo
- bought alcohol for later use (I know this sounds weird..what to say)
- read: War and Peace, any Jane Austen, Meine Kampf
- seen: Titanic (the whole way through), Chinatown, Pulp Fiction, Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

That's the list so far.

2010-01-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

I've sort of been inspired to go to this tomorrow night, but I have no one to go with so far. Anyone interested?

2010-01-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Just discovered the brilliant sport of teapot blowing, and am absolutely THRILLED about trying it out tomorrow.
Other news: moving to Scarborough in a couple weeks. I'm going to miss living downtown... contemplating permanently switching to St George so I can stay in the middle of things next year.
Also, happily learning about tropical rain forest conservation :) and trying to decide what to do this summer.

2009-12-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

Someone today said to me, "Why not go into medicine?" with such conviction that it threw me off guard. I'm just not used to people believing in my abilities like that. Weird.

Unsettled (a poem)

2009-12-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

When I was young and innocent,
I wanted to grow up to be a dark beauty
Tall, with red lips, white teeth
and long flowy hair.
I shall have to settle for cute.
I never wanted to be CUTE.

2009-12-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today is a day for finding an adventure! After my 3o'clock meeting I intend to go outside to explore and find something.

the coolness factor

2009-11-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot recently about the things I layer myself with to add to my coolness factor. This summer for the first time in years I was no longer the token cellist (one of my co-workers is doing her masters in performance), and this gave me a whole summer to come to terms with the fact that I put things in front of me to keep myself from.. getting hurt I guess. Since about grade 7 or 8 I've basically introduced myself thus: "Hello my name is Madeleine and I play the cello." It's like I can't deal with only being Madeleine. I have to use what I do to explain who I am. I think this comes from not being very good at small talk - always been a bit shy. But also I think I'm partially scared that I'm not cool enough just on my own. I do this with other things as well, not just cello. Knitting, wearing strange clothes, changing my hairstyle, my moral beliefs, etc. All for the sake of self promotion. I think to an extent I even use the guise of humbleness/a call for simplicity to appear cooler. Very ironic.
At some point, I am going to have to either get rid of this self-promotion thing(as much I can) or, now that I'm aware of this, consciously decide to keep it along with whatever level of cool it comes with. The latter decision being a pretty stupid one. I've prided myself in not being scared of change, but then I've never had to change much. The point has come, though, and I'd rather not be a coward.
The skill comes in learning to ask and listen to others, find the common interest or whatever, and then making the personal connection. Does this make sense?

2009-11-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Music.. being in a group, dancing!, writing, and throwing caution to the winds...
I am SO OUT OF PRACTICE! Aieee
I've been told that laid back-ness and not liking schedules is part of my personality and simply something I have to deal with, but I'm not happy with that answer. I just need to practice. And I think I need to make a list. Already I can think of three things I need to focus on: Kirk Franklin, Velvet Underground, and knitting.

Goal of the week

2009-10-26T04:26:00.000-07:00

To only do things I can do in Toronto.

2009-10-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Being introduced to the world of 80's music, something I've missed out on as my parents stopped listening to new music in '79.

2009-10-11T19:28:00.001-07:00

When I meet someone I'm interested in, I have this habit of imagining how I'd turn him down gently. I've always done this, so I'm starting to wonder if I just haven't met anyone worth considering? Or is this being a little melodramatic..?

One of the best things about my work is getting to do kid things with kids. I'm working on building a cardboard house with the grade 1/2s and having a spectacular time. They are so creative! They remember things about what absolutely needs to be in a house that I tend to forget. Like a mail slot with mail in it, a doorbell, a chimney, a rabbit in the garden, and of course a treehouse. It's just fantastic to be able to enjoy their company and watch them work together on these things. On Thursday we're presenting our house to the parents at a potluck and even though most people there might think it doesn't look too great, or that we've missed important elements (like beds), this house represents a jumble of delightful half hours spent dreaming and discussing the importance of how to make a good toilet.

What childhood activity do you absolutely plan on passing on to your kids? Do you have any suggestions for things I should do with my kids in SJT?

In three words

2009-08-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

My summer: whirlwind, focused, bountiful(?)

Was going to switch to a small school in Winnipeg until last Thursday, when I had a change of mind. Toronto is a bit more practical. I'm taking school part-time (downtown! yaaay!), and working (volunteering, actually. I have to raise my own support [hint, hint. hehe]) for Toronto City Mission. Which is the place I've been working this summer. ahhhh Life is weird. I had no idea at the beginning of the summer that I'd be where I am now.
I got a camera for my birthday. :)

Your summer in three words...?

untitled (to music)

2009-07-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have misplaced my cupcake
and am uncertain where to go from here

I wish I could live without it
My cupcake

But it is sweet
Has green sprinkles
and cherry icing

2009-06-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today I checked the symptoms of swine flu, and I have all of them.

"Symptoms include fever, cough, runny nose, sore throat, body aches, fatigue and lack of appetite."

I also have a rash on my neck, extremely sensitive skin, and I'm feeling nauseous.
But my mum says that apparently the people who actually have the virus feel really really really really horrible, and I was able to make it to work today, so I think I'm good. I'm a bit annoyed though, because I got my flu shot this year! Unless I am dangerously ill, I shouldn't be sick. Poo.

I've been working for two weeks (training mostly), and I think I'm supposed to be here so that's good. The kids are brilliant!
I need sleeeeeeep. I'll write something more later.
Here is a shout-out to my roomie Kathleen: hi!

2009-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

1:50am
Can't sleep... sad and uptight.

Here is my coconut cream cake ^^
It took me 2 & 1/2 hours to make the crystallized violets. Sooo bloody tedious!
I should become a 1950's wife someday - I can knit, sew, clean, look after kids, play classical cello and make Victorian delicacies. AND I'm learning to tend the garden!
But I'd rather work in war zones.

Tomorrow I am going to:
-weed
-reinforce the veg. garden
-spread compost everywhere
-actually plant some flowers :) so far i've just been doing sort of prep stuff, but tomorrow the real work begins!

wheeee

my cherry tree

2009-05-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

I've commissioned myself as family gardener. This is the before picture^^ - in three weeks it will look unrecognizable (in a good way), I promise.

Cool, eh?

here is where i'm at; gargantuan moments of self-reflection to follow

2009-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

All my life I've been considered incredibly independent. But what I've realized is that I have been completely dependent on other people making me angry. As long as someone else is telling me what to do, I thrive by doing the opposite, or doing more than they thought possible. I've always had something to prove. So for the past couple years as society simply expects me to get on with life on my own without the challenge of being told what to do, I have been sinking. I've been waiting for something to happen to me, rather than figuring out what I want to happen, and working for it. I have nothing to fight against except myself, and that fight gets boring very fast.
Starting now, I am going to look for my fire and work my ass off to get what I want.
I have always loved this line "Though she be but little, she be fierce."
What do I want?
I have to figure that one out too.

2009-04-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

I decided not to write anything until I had saved up some more important thoughts... but now I can't think of anything profound to say.
I'm thinking of switching universities: at Canadian Mennonite University in Winnipeg I could study IDS and Disaster Recovery.
I decided that I am a pacifist.
I've also been thinking about nursing. Up to this point, I didn't want to become a nurse because I thought it would be awful to marry a doctor and then raise a family and succumb to the stereotype. I am obviously prejudiced. Anyways I would do it, so that I can work for the Red Cross or something similar, in war zones.
wheeeeeeee
hello
That's about it, really.

2009-03-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

bit of a test of my character. ironically
good bye for now

how cool am i?

2009-03-16T16:13:00.001-07:00

i am:
listening to paul simon, graceland
making pancakes
catsitting for jane and peters
about to spend the night in said former drama teacher's apartment
how cool am i?
words cannot express my current sentiments

after an allnighter

2009-03-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

in honour of dan - here are some unconsidered thoughts of mine

First energy drink EVER: amp energy. it was actually quite tasty.

i have less than a month until my first race since grade 8, and i have no exercise regime yet. i haven't run in a week. i don't really intend on running today.

did you know there are bugs living in your eyelashes? they're supposed to be there.

i LOVE david mitchell!! ahhhhhhh if i can't find a robin hood, i am going to marry a david mitchell.

in the last three days i've been lightly pondering a few things: switch to forestry? switch to environmental science? spend a semester in kenya studying peace and conflict resolution?

i intend to spend all of may gardening. i want local plants that are going extinct. i'm also going to finish knitting the sweater, and play music, and get my g1. don't yell at me.

AND I'M GOING TO GIVE UP THE COMPUTER FOR GOOD. i've been antisocial for way way way too long.

i still need a place to stay this summer. somewhere inexpensive. i can live with cockroaches if i must.

i don't know why this bothers me, but blogs seem so self-absorbed... i guess that's the point.. but every now and then i feel abashed about forcing my opinions and feelings on everyone else. i don't like the power much.

my room is a pig-sty.
must print essay. shower. food. school.
new weird thing: when i'm dead tired, my eyeballs go in and out of focus.

wild

2009-03-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

This is the story my Grandma told me last night, in a voice that made it sound like she was telling me about a conversation she had at the grocery store, or something just as mundane.

We were in a bus on our way to visit some missionaries in rural Thailand and when we were about halfway there, some bandits boarded the bus and shot guns at the roof. They took everything, our papers (including our passports), money, and any jewelery we had with us. They took the watch my mother gave me. They then forced us out of the bus and we had to squat (not sit) on the ground in a line. They shot and killed the man squatting next to Granddad. It was a miracle they didn't kill anyone else. They slashed the tires of the bus and left us there. Somehow, the bus company got word of what happened, and sent another bus to pick us up. When we finally got to the village, Granddad bought me a new watch. I'm not sure where he got the money, but he must have had some hidden that the bandits didn't find.

a conversation on marriage

2009-02-24T09:27:00.000-08:00

"It is impossible for me to think about marriage unless I find someone who will let me work in disaster areas."
"Well, you should probably look beyond Toronto. The guys here are wimps."

na na na na. hey!

2009-02-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

In the past few months I have often discussed the importance for people to cut back on this consumer lifestyle we all lead. If we don't, we are going to run out of stuff, and generally kill the planet.. I do really strongly believe this.
This week I came home to find that we have no dryer. My mum has decided that to make our eco-footprint smaller, we don't really need one. Instead there are socks drying on long dowling rods in our dining room. She also last night discussed whether we should be using toilet paper.
"Why not newspaper?" she said. "Or wet cloths?"
I am beginning to feel that I am to blame, and that I should definitely watch what I say. But it got me thinking.. all my life I have assumed that toilet paper and dryers are essential to life. When I imagine being eco-friendly I think of: having a couple of chickens for pets, wearing organic hemp clothing, only using natural light, etc. Without realizing it, I have cottoned on to the mainstream going green stuff that is considered somewhat acceptable and sort of cool. But perhaps looking after creation involves the embarrassing stuff as well, like having wet underpants hanging from your bedposts.

I absentmindedly started singing part of a song as I thought about this:
and I'll become even more undignified than this
leave my pride by my side

Maybe there is more to being undignified than doing the chicken dance in church. I don't know if I'm ready to totally give up my pride, but I am willing to accept that I don't really need it.

Wow. I talked about chickens twice in this post without meaning to talk about them at all.
Incidentally, I am happy to use leaves, or even maybe newspaper, but there is no way I am going to use a reusable wet cloth to wipe my butt.

2009-02-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have a job. I have a job. I have a job.

2009-02-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

The weirdest thing about right now is that I resent happy people.... so strange. I have never been much of a resentful person so it is a newish feeling and I don't like it.

My goal is to write one essay today. On the difficulties Pastoral Nomadism faces these days.

So I am down to four minute showers, and well on my way to running 10 k by the end of the year. I'm at 5k in 30 minutes, on a treadmill. Yesterday I attempted to run outside for the first time and it was hell. Ahhhhh - I have six weeks to prepare to run 8k in 45 minutes outside. But I still haven't worked on my last and probably most important new years resolution - to get all my work done during the week so I can actually enjoy Sundays. I am going to work on this one particularly this week.

Wednesday is Hump Day

2009-02-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

I have had the strangest day and I feel genuinely different and I don't know if I can really explain it except that I feel physically lighter.
My day included:
-being very very sore from the beginnings of my exercise routine --> 4.2 k in 30 minutes!
-crying in the head of my program's office
-having a spiritual realization
-confidentially learning about the underhandedness of the Scarborough Campus Student's Union over coffee
-thoroughly appreciating a cheap yet yummy sub

I don't know, but I think today might be important.

some poetry or words or an attempt at being deep

2009-02-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

This is my teapot and matching
garden table.
Here is the Beethoven string
quartet
And I blow bubbles
That pop before they hit the ground.

I would like to find a corner
A cranny
Where I can sit and sit and sit and
Let my mind float away
upon a disco ball.

Where, O where shall I go?
Stop being wishy-washy.

There is an icicle outside the window
That melts slowly in the morning sun.
She watches
Thinking on the good old days.
All morning
Aeroplanes swoop and dive
Thunder masked by the
Warning sirens.
The icicle slips,
She waits,
Wondering in morse code,
When is lunch?

Ending statements or conclusions are the most difficult.
A huge leap into assumption.

2009-01-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

Yes! just cracked my seven minute shower in leaps and bounds. down to 4 minutes! horay! and i smell good.

insane

2009-01-26T15:05:00.001-08:00

I just signed up for an 8k run on April 4th.

what i want

2009-01-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

-intelligent conversation
-a reason to play music and sing
-stamina & discipline
-a situation in which it is considered acceptable to scream joyously
-an interesting summer job

2009-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

Something has been bothering me for a while. Almost every time I tell someone that I am in IDS, they say something along the lines of "Wow, you must have been on many missions trips," or, "So have you ever been to a developing country?"
I don't understand where this mentality comes from. It isn't very difficult once you take a good long look to realize that there is something very wrong with the world and it seems very natural to me that I should try and help fix part of it now I know.
Why should I have to be embarrassed to say that I have never seen someone who lives on $1 a day first-hand? I am not going to go overseas just so I can come back and tell everyone what a moving experience it was for me. I am in no way trying to accuse anyone else of that. Short-term missions trips are important for many different reasons. But it is possible to have your heart broken from thousands of miles away. It is possible for me to see that I have the upper-hand in an unfair world. It is possible for me to want to change myself before I go out to change other people.

Does that make sense?

Another thing. I am not a great person. I am not better than anyone else. I don't have higher morals or anything like that. I have gotten into this habit of smiling when I tell someone what I study and I think it is because I have learned to expect them to say "That is great! What a noble thing.." and look at me in awe. But I think I hate myself a bit for learning to expect that. I do horrible things, and sometimes I do good things, and lots of times I fail or am too scared to do what I know I should. At nineteen I have already learned to live on past accomplishments rather than steadfastly work hard. And that only leads to failure. I think this is bothering me because I really want to change and improve. And I'm learning that I can't do that alone.

2009-01-11T22:52:00.001-08:00

why did the mushroom go to the party?

hello 2009

2009-01-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

Not six days into the new year and I have already plunged into L. Ontario in negative twelve degree weather, and for the first time hitched a ride from a complete stranger.
I live the dangerous life, me.

bah

2008-12-28T10:41:00.001-08:00

Against my better judgement, I shall post my new year's resolutions. But I'm going to start them tomorrow. A few practice days is a good thing.

Run 10 k by next winter. Not necessarily a fast 10 k.
Sundays are for fun. Good wholesome fun. Not homework.
5 minute showers

I think these are attainable goals. I think I had resolutions last year, but I can't remember what they were. I'm going to go check.

I checked, and all I said is that it takes three weeks to break a habit. Maybe I was preparing myself for this year's resolutions.

maddythoughts

2008-12-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I cried for the first time this semester, a record for me I think. I normally cry at just about anything. Soppy movies are the death of me.

Does anyone know whether you're supposed to put broken mirrors straight into the garbage? I am terrified my broken mirror might kill someone, but I can't really do anything about it now.

Today I rediscovered the cello. Dunno WHY ON EARTH I STOPPED PRACTICING.

There are things about home that really bug me now. But mostly it's good to be back.

I am incredibly self-centred and selfish, which is directly related to all my problems in the past year and a half.

Trying to switch from nocturnal to a normal day-life. Very difficult.

Holland Christian Homes is under almost complete quarantine, which means I might not get to volunteer there this Christmas, something I was thoroughly looking forward to.

I think am ready to be a true adventurer. Last night I listened to my Grandparent's stories from Thailand. They are 85 and considering whether or not they should go to northern Indonesia in 2009. I hope I can find a fellow adventurer I can spend the rest of my life with. But not yet. I am going to try to prolong my childhood for as long as possible.

I wish I could say I no longer care what people think, but that would be a lie. It is good to have something that people read, but I am going to start regularly writing in a notebook. I used to write poetry and stories and thoughts about life. That no one has ever read. So I'll do that again.

I love the BBC.
I love Wallace and Gromit.
I love my cat.
I love being creative.
I hate large portions of the Christmas festivities (appologies to all you Christmas lovers out there). It makes me feel constantly guilty and more cynical than usual. My favourite holidays are Halloween and Palm Sunday.
I love snow. I love tobogganing. I love skiing. I love skating. I love snowmen. I love snowforts. I love that snowy quiet just after a snowstorm, when no one is out and everything is muffled.

I forget to think about what I love.

2008-12-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

As the smell of Christmas wafts around the corner, let me tell you what your turkey, roast beef and ham have been fed:
fish, offal, animal remains, reprocessed engine oil, sewage sludge, "reprocessed" chicken feces & feathers
Animals are also choc full of a bunch of antibiotics to control disease and stress(drugs calm them down)

Is this true? This is what my environmental science teacher told us. Someday I might become a vegetarian..

2008-12-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

sigh

2008-12-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

I wish I was either normal, or more weird.

i learn the best things from the BBC

2008-11-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

levitating frog

from BBC online radio
Great Unanswered Questions - the comedy programme that puts two comedians, one internet expert and one scientist in a room together.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

2008-11-20T06:30:00.001-08:00

I am so glad Lang Lang made the sexiest men alive list.
I've known about him for years. But I never thought he was sexy.. he just has a sexy talent

ps. Hugh Jackman - "a hard body with a soft centre"
I realize now that objectifying men is just as bad as women. It disgusts me.

maddythoughts

2008-11-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

knowing that your smile throws a guy off guard is a good feeling
i have a mandate. (right word? not sure)
i'm a bit disappointed in myself right now. my steam is running low.
i know what i'm getting my brother for his birthday :D
is anyone else worried that there will be no summer jobs for students next year?

2008-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

i'm realizing that i really need to play more music and write more. i really miss it and i'm realizing how therapeutic it was.

my program makes me sad

2008-11-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

All organisms in even the most remote places now contain trace contamination of organo-chlorine chemicals that humans have manufactured and dispersed into the environment, such as DDT and PCBs.

Columbus - greedy, bloody conqueror and enslaver
- we have edited his faults to create a hero/adventurer, a man whose aim was to "get rich and save the world"
- his true legacy was actually one of conquest, enslavement, rape and genocide
- Columbus was the originator of the slave trade in the Americas

Just two depressing facts out of many that I must put to memory every day. This semester has given me almost complete lack of hope for humanity. We daily choose to ignore our numerous faults and instead, pretend that our unsustainable way of life will last forever. Our ruin is inevitable.

I think I am lucky. If I had nothing else, I can't imagine losing faith in humanity, losing faith in myself, and being able to continue with life. I am lucky because I have something else to place my hope in. I am beginning to truly appreciate the importance of steady, unchanging love.

Light of the world, Thy beams I bless;
On Thee, bright Sun of Righteousness,
My faith hath fixed its eye.
Guided by Thee, through all I go,
Nor fear the ruin spread below,
For Thou art always nigh.

Not all the pow'rs of hell can fright
A soul that walks with Christ in light;
He walks, and cannot fall.
Clearly he sees, and wins his way,
Shining unto the perfect day,
And more than conquers all.

I rest in Thine almighty pow'r;
The name of Jesus is a tow'r
That hides my life above.
Thou canst, Thou wilt my Helper be;
My confidence is all in Thee,
The faithful God of love.

Wherefore, in never ceasing prayer,
My soul to Thy continual care
I faithfully commend,

Assured that Thou through life shalt save,

And show thyself beyond the grave
My everlasting Friend.

Words to live by

2008-10-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

You're never too old to be told off by a park-keeper.

--------------------------------------------------------------

On another note:
A good dose of Heajin solves all my problems (temporarily anyways).
Legally Cosmopolitan. :D

2008-10-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am having a bad week.

flush flush

2008-10-16T18:50:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to get rid of all the extra stuff I've filled my life with.

I want to become someone I can look up to.

I'm ironically trying to be quieter.

environmental science

2008-10-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

our agricultural activity is not sustainable.

goats can climb trees, but sometimes they fall

'baaaaah' *thump*

Whaa...

2008-10-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popularity, rather than becoming who I thought I would be when I was this age I've actually reverted back to my five-year-old self, minus the temper-tantrums.

in some ways this makes me happy

what is happiness?

2008-09-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

~being given a zucchini from a friend's grandma
~finding people who love to sing as well
~meeting young men who believe in women's rights (!)
~staying up till 3am discussing everything from how hard it is to be vulnerable and open in front of people you've never met, to whether it would be cooler to be the worlds fastest runner or the worlds fastest swimmer
~watching & exclaiming over sand wasps
~playing capture the flag
~finding the campus cat, Pookie
~unplanned visiting
~making ratatouille with said zucchini

question

2008-09-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

what do you say when someone asks you, "why are you a christian?"

(if this applies to you)

job satisfaction

2008-09-17T10:31:00.001-07:00

I've never told anyone this before because I never thought it was very important to anyone but myself:

When I was little I wanted to be an explorer like Hudson or Cartier because I loved the idea of chartering the unknown, making discoveries, meeting interesting people..
I was devastated when I found out that we already know where everything is, and I put my aspirations of becoming a great explorer aside.

I think I might be living my childhood dream.

a feat

2008-09-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

i like all my courses.

maddythoughts

2008-09-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

my new place is like living in a cottage permanently

the people in my program intimidate me (i haven't met them all yet)

i've been nineteen for three and a half weeks and i still haven't had my first legal drink. i keep missing perfect opportunities or being busy.

i am being given my own cell phone by my grandparents.

sensory overload.

i feel... unsettled. which i guess makes sense.

food food food food food. i need to go shopping tomorrow.. or today.. whatever. basic necessities. i am so indecisive.

peters' teaching payed off! three days of solid yelling and i was the only person who didn't lose their voice! horay

i forgot about this: Jonah gets mad at God after God has compassion on the people of Ninevah. he tells god "you see? i knew this would happen! you ask me to come to a place, and when i get there i don't have to do anything much, because you decide to have mercy on them! i wish i were dead."

wow.

if i want to spend my life travelling, i have /got/ to get used to this unsettled feeling. it prohibits me from doing much.

don't you hate rejection? i hate rejection.

this is cynical and sad and insecure of me.

but actually i have been thinking about my blessings:

>great apartment, avec pool, dog, and fantastic landlady/landlord

>accepted into difficult, interesting, unique, practical program - truly a lucky thing. and something i am genuinely thankful for.

>still have my guitar and my cello

>millionth chance to prove what i can be and live up to

>independence will be sweet, once i get used to it.

>chance to try new things

>no nagging! not at the moment anyway

>so much potential. i just hope i can be flexible and friendly to everyone and thoughtful and everything i should and can be.

wonky

in the next episode, find out what madeleine bought from no frills, how she finally styles her room, and what her first class (environmental science) is like.

Reminicing

2008-08-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

~Teddyland and everything therein! (the heavy metal band "Outward Appearance!" with Troll as the lead singer and various other scruffy animals tagging along, Teddyland mobilizing to go to war, having a Teddybear church service with communion, census time, tea parties and picnics, hospital, sports time, etc. etc. etc)

Sam and I were weird kids.

~ Spending entire days pretending Sam was a dog, and I was his owner.
~ Being allowed to use "breakable bowls."
~ Getting lost on the Isle of Wight
~ Pulling an all-nighter at my very first sleepover (I was five)
~ Kindermusic with Emma. We're still very good friends hehe
~ Being shocked and saddened when I found out my cello wasn't a harp
~ Making friends while camping
~ My surprise 10th birthday party
~ Discovering the male species heheheh
~ Prank wars at my first summer job
~ Falling in love with Toronto. Living in toronto for a summer with university students!!!
~ Dreadlocks
~ Theatre! wow
~ Learning how to write music
~ Falling in love with French
~ Falling in love with the string quartet style
~ Cooking weird things with emma
~ Being Major Metcalfe, and learning how to direct shows! Pros and cons here
~ I have to say, I did really enjoy Prom.

ahhhhh

2008-08-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

He is my hero

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QHO2TM5Op4&feature=related

2008-08-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

In my head I know that I should work harder than I ever have in my life this week. It would make me happy. Putting theory to practice is so difficult though.

new discovery

2008-08-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

If you have the time, please read the poem What Happened When He Went to the Store for Bread by Alden Nowlen.

The Owl and the Pussycat (mmmmmmmmm)

2008-07-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

by Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat.
They took some honey and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'

Pussy said to Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose!
With a ring at the end of his nose.

'Dear Pig, are you willing to selling for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

2008-07-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

I thought he could see how shallow I am, but really, it was his way of hiding.

hahahahahahahahah that sounds a tad dramatic

i think it's true though

2008-07-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

I love working at Holland Christian Homes. I love having to face new challenges all the time.

Faith Manor Alzheimer's Ward
Hymn Sing

Me: Would you like to take a seat?
Woman: Yes dear, but I'd like one that accentuates my femininity.
Me: Ok.... ?

_____________________________________________
Her name is Pat, I just found out.

Excerpt from me

2008-07-19T15:41:00.001-07:00

Head down, chin up
Listen
But don't forget to look.
Be diligent.
Be prepared.
A bedroom wall is a good thing to yell at.
Focus on the clenched fist inside your gut.
And watch what a summer shower
does to the garden.

2008-07-12T08:29:00.001-07:00

Little darling
It's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's alright

You have to believe that this is only temporary.

2008-07-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

I dreamt I met John Mayer. I didn't like him very much.

potential

2008-06-30T09:12:00.001-07:00

I love writing utensils.

First Year Courses; I'm Mad

2008-06-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

EESA01H Intro to Environmental Science
The scientific method and its application to natural systems. The physical and biological processes which drive ecosystem functions. Anthropogenic changes in ecosystem functions at local and global scales. Emphasis on the degradation of the atmosphere, soil, water, and biological resources caused by human activity. Renewable and non-renewable resource sustainability.

IDSB02H International Development Studies: Development and Environment
The environmental consequences of development activities with emphasis on tropical countries. Environmental change in urban, rainforest, semi-arid, wetland, and mountainous systems. The influences of development on the global environment; species extinction, loss of productive land, reduced access to resources, declining water quality and quantity, and climate change.

ECMA01H Intro to Microeconomics
Economic theory of the firm and the consumer. Although calculus is not used in this course, algebra and graphs are used extensively to illuminate economic analysis.

ECMA05H Intro to Macroeconomics
Topics include output, employment, prices, interest rates and exchange rates. Although calculus… etc.

GGRA02H The Geography of Global Process
Globalization from the perspective of human geography. The course examines how the economic, social, political, and environmental changes that flow from the increasingly global scale of human activities affect spatial patterns and relationships, the character of regions and places, and the quality of life of those who live in them.

POLA90H Politics, Corruption and Violence
This course uses basic tools in comparative political analysis to examine the origins, dynamics and relationship between corruption and violence in less developed countries. Discussion will be placed in the context of their political and social consequences within a variety of country case studies. The course will conclude with some reflections on non-violent alternatives to political action.

HISA01H The Twentieth Century World 1
World history from the age of imperialism to the end of World War II, emphasizing both the diversity and the commonality of human experience in the twentieth century. Major themes include imperialism, war, revolution, totalitarian ideologies, social, economic, and cultural change, nationalism.

HISA02H The Twentieth Century World II
World history from the end of WWII to the present day, emphasizing both the diversity and the commonality of human experience in the twentieth century. Major themes include decolonization, economic change, the Cold War, the communications revolution, the development crisis, struggles for human rights and democracy.

FREA01H Language Practice I
Reinforcement and development of the language skills - understanding, reading, writing and speaking - necessary for higher-level courses. The course includes grammar review (written and oral), various exercises both traditional and internet-based, and reading and discussion of texts from different francophone cultures.

FREA02H Language Practice II
Continuation of FREA01H.

my garden

2008-06-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

It is so easy, once you know, to purposely forget. For a while, there can be a comforting facade before you. This cool glass of lemonade in the garden of feigned ignorance.

For me, the garden in my mind is only temporary. I have planted flowers to cover the weeds that are deeply rooted everywhere. Even as I pretend to admire my work, the too-sweet lemonade reminds me that it isn't real. If I look closely, I can already see some flowers wilt as their stems are strangled by something that grows deeper.

These weeds were planted when my heart and mind broke. If this sounds cliche, let me explain. This is not about some boy. I am too young and too guarded to allow myself the vulnerability that accompanies that sort of love. After I broke, I was forced to question every action I take.

What is the name of the child who made my shoes? How old are they?
I wonder if someone died so I could eat this chocolate bar.
I wonder how many people died so I could eat this chocolate bar.
Why am I spending so much money on food and new clothes?
How can I waste so much time?
How can I leave lights on overnight?
Why can't I just finish everything I have to do before dark?
I can't believe I just refused to give that guy a few dollars.
How can I eat when I'm not hungry?
Why didn't I offer to help?
How come I'm too scared to ask if my coffee is fair trade?
Why am I embarressed to talk about important things?
What if he really needed me then?
What is so difficult about recycling?!?
There goes another aluminum pop can..
Why the fuck did I get braces?
What a complete waste of $$.
Am I that insecure about my appearance? How will having straight teeth do anything to help?
How can I call myself a Christian when I don't participate in what I believe?
I should have said 'no' to the bottle of water.
20 minute showers? Every day?
I could have walked here.
I could have taken public transit here.
I throw tantrums over the stupidest things.
Why do I enjoy watching America's Next Top Model when there are more pressing things like famines that need my attention?
What is wrong with my priorities?
How can I let my parents drive me and pay for cello ($80/hr)? How can I enjoy music when I know it is something I could do without? That $ could feed people.
I'm too lazy to write letters. I should be writing letters.

Constant perpetual conscience.
Do you understand why I planted a garden over it?

On the back of an old spaghetti factory paper placemat I found in my bedroom.

2008-06-11T13:56:00.001-07:00

Thump, thump, thump, thump - the noise was getting closer. Thousands of them, millions of them. I slowly opened the door and saw the hideous face on the other side. The face reminded me of my aging grandmother, Belle. It was old, covered in clown-like make-up, and really, really wrinkly. His hands trembled as he walked further towards the door, knowing the other side would change the very fiber of everything he morally knew. The bright light shone in his eyes, and upon regarding his vision, he saw the face of one of the ugliest looking creatures that has ever been created; he fainted. At this moment, there's a dog just peeing.. he fell on that crap.
"Dak-cho Babo"
Said the disgruntled camel trader, who had also been seen at the ceremony, "I will never, repeat, never sell my kidney, no matter how desperate I get!"

Now that I've recorded these timeless musings, I shall throw out the paper that was mused upon.

maddythoughts

2008-05-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

Favourite Friday moments(thanks to Rachelle):
climbing on the roof
playing pool (I am so good!)
being groundhogs
panicking at guitar hero

Finally I've tasted what I love
-I'd forgotten how awesome it is to stay up late and come home early in the morning.
-My brain full of ideas and hope

I have goals now!
By August 31st ~ lifeguard, and my own album.

Edit: Kris fractured his sternum by hugging Jonathan. I suppose I should be sympathetic, but it is a really funny way to break your sternum. Hehehehe

So Close

2008-05-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am about to crack. I wish I knew what I need so I could ask for it.

I am so close. I don't know if cracking is good or bad.
I don't think it matters.

I heard an idea: some people can have such a high density of insanity in them that they are able to function as a sane person on the surface, which makes them incredibly dangerous. For some reason, I can relate to this, but I don't know how.

So close..

2008-05-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

The inside of my face looks like hamburger.

Listening to the Beatles is exactly like listening to a heartbeat or whales singing.

2008-05-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

I need a creative outlet!
I need balance!
I need a group of regulars!
I need to talk!
I need something to talk about!
I need a cup of tea!
I need a job that I love!
I need to scream!
I need to focus!
I need to be present!
I need to stop lying!
I need to tell the truth!
I need to look beyond!
I need drive!
I need a reason

2008-04-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how deceptive I can be towards myself. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised seeing as I sort of pride myself on seeming mysterious towards other people. It was only a matter of time before my brain took over and left me standing in the dust, degected behind addiction and laziness. Well now that I am supposedly the creme de la creme of U of T students, I feel a bit hypocritical. I feel like I have lied my way into a program. I realize this isn't entirely true - I definitely care enough, and have done way more than most people my age towards my chosen career. However, months of loneliness and doing nothing (much) have taken their tole and I am now sitting here wondering if I will ever be my old self again. I now have four months to get over my addictions, re-learn how to learn, find passion, delve into reading, and generally figure out where I stand so that I cannot be pushed aside by other people's opinions.

And I figured this out finally: being humble is doing an incredible job in life and when people praise you, saying "it wasn't really me that did it." I am not very good at this. A lot of what I do is really searching for praise for myself. Perpetual concious effort is necessary for change.

I know that the old me is in here somewhere, in need of a little push, a little challenge. But can I challenge myself? I think I can. I know best what buttons push me into action.

I just needed to write down what I was thinking. memememememe. It is done.
Ta for humouring me.

actually I feel a bit better now.

Things to do

2008-04-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

I found this list in my bedroom today. It is from two or three years ago. And I have only done one thing on it so far. Maybe two. Can you guess which?

1. Make Creme Brulee
2. Lightbulb in microwave
3. Wake up especially to watch the sun rise
4. Spend a whole day hiking
5. Actually finish War and Peace
6. See all Shakespeare plays
7. Have a food fight
8. Spend a day taking pictures
9. Go to an INTERESTING museum
10. Paint a picture
11. Outside of school, take the time to learn something.
12. Take a train somewhere
13. Cook popcorn with the lid off
14. Matress-slide down the stairs
15. Dress up in winter clothes in the summer, and go for a long walk outside
16. Knit the longest scarf in the world
17. Put on a puppet show
18. BEATLES DAY!!
19. Have a picnic in High Park
20. Increase my vocabulary with really really helpful words
21. Foreign Film Night
22. Rent all Pengu films
23. Re-learn how to read lips
24. Practice doing the splits
25. Crack eggs on my head
26. Get motorcycle license
27. Make homemade wine
28. Join Amnesty International
29. Spend a night with a friend in a graveyard

2008-04-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

I heard the voice of Jesus say,
'I am this dark world's light;
Look unto me, thy morn shall rise,
And all thy day be bright.':

I looked to Jesus, and I found
In him my Star, my Sun;
And in that light of life I'll walk
Till travelling days are done.

Edit:
I got my bob.

Annnd: I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO U OF T SCARBOROUGH!!!! I'M GOING INTO INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT STUDIES WITH A 1 YEAR CO-OP PROGRAM OVERSEAS!!!!!! AND THEY GAVE ME A 1000$ SCHOLARSHIP!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

stupid.

2008-03-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

For a week and a half I have:

had a feeling like my gut is twisted in a very odd position that is making my bladder much smaller.

slept way more than is humanly normal

been close but unable to cry

decided to become more aware of the nasty parts of our world

created a new word: fwoppy (the way you feel when you've slept too much)

stopped using youtube. completely. no youtube. no no no no no

decided that I don't like putting myself in situations where I can be rejected.

thought longingly of warm sunny climates.

STUPID SNOW. STUPID UNIVERSITY AUDITIONS & INTERVIEWS. STUPID NOT DOING ANYTHING. STUPID JOB SEARCHING. STUPID ME. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID.

ps. does anyone else have it where when they don't have much to do, they just lay there going over every embarressing thing they have ever done? I have done many many many many embarressing things.

International Development Interview

2008-03-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

"Madeleine, talk about everything you are passionate about for half an hour."

If they'd told me that before my interview, I wouldn't have been so nervous.

Here's to hoping they found me charming and knowledgeable.
Baaaaaah! I must get in, I must!!!

#4

2008-03-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

Right, well no one else seems to be taking an active interest in Rachel's creative thingy a week thing (cough cough.. Rachel), so I am going to continue it, even if it's just me doing it. This week is another quote, this time from Shakespeare.

How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
Here we will sit and let the sounds of music
Creep in our ears; soft stillness and the night
Become the touches of sweet harmony.

maddythoughts

2008-02-27T10:54:00.000-08:00

When peering at my reflection last night, I came to the epiphany that except for the braces, acne, and lack of bust, I'm not all that bad looking.

Thank goodness I haven't turned vain.

more maddythoughts

2008-02-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

1) I quit my job before I even started. What was I thinking?? I need to practice..
2) MY TEETH HURT

maddythoughts

2008-02-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

1) I have a job. yay (Don Cherry's Sports Bar and Grill here I come!)
2) My teeth hurt (stupid ortho). boo

February 17, 2008

2008-02-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

Today is a Sad Song Day.

1) As the Deer - Martin Nystrom
2) House Where Nobody Lives - Tom Waits
3) I'll Never Smile Again - Frank Sinatra
4) Sweet Valentine - Ron Leary
5) Case of You - Joni Mitchell
6) Left and Leaving - Weakerthans
7) Snowbird - Gene Maclellan
8) Long Time - Catherine Maclellan
9) This Sadness - Tanya Davis
10) Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye - Leonard Cohen
11) I'm Still Here - Tom Waits

(Brought to you in part courtesy of the Vinyl Cafe)

Thou, O LORD, remainest for ever; thy throne from generation to generation.
Wherefore dost thou forget us for ever, and forsake us so long time?
Turn thou us unto thee, O LORD, and we shall be turned; renew our days as of old.
But thou hast utterly rejected us; thou art very wroth against us.

Things running through my mind

2008-02-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

suddenly seeing a ton of people that you love all at the same time is like a heroine addiction - overwhelming, leaving you wanting more.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

However I'm pretty sure you'd love me if I was the way I imagine myself to be.

sometimes my brain talks so fast my mouth is left feeling kind of lonely and confused.

remember to watch what you say on public transit. holy cow...

I love Dostoevsky. yummmmmmy

have I turned reclusive in the past six months? fix: have I turned more reclusive than normal in the past six months?

What is wrong with capital letters and punctuation? What about grammar? They're=they are, there=place, their=possessive plural.

Is there anyone who hates small talk as much as me? bah. How ironic.

love to xx ski. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm scared.

Character Development

2008-02-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

In the next forty or so days, I will be undergoing a character change and some physical maintenance. I want to see whether I can be the person I want me to be and not just some crappy shadow made up of misjudgements and failed expectations.

# 3 Theme

2008-02-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

my turn!!!

Calm down dear, it's only a quotation.

"Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable."
~Oscar Wilde

so the theme is Improbability!!!!!

Dave:
http://toclearwritersblock.blogspot.com/2008/02/3-improbability.html

#2 When do you feel? Series

2008-02-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

continue this thought...

2008-01-28T22:18:00.001-08:00

sometimes i want to punch myself.
relate?

Post Number 40

2008-01-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

i've just been looking through my old blog.. and i found this post which i thought was quite funny. this is from grade 10. i was so young and innocent then. hehe

"The Wrong Schroeder

I am at an interesting stage in life. I'm not quite sure I want to be where I am right now.
Firstly, my love life. This might be kind of confusing. My school put on the musical Charlie Brown, and there were two casts because the musical only needs 6 actors and they wanted to cast a lot more. So there are two actors for each part. I have a crush on one of the actors. One who plays Schroeder. Now, the big problem is, is that the other actor that plays Schroeder has a crush on me. The first Schroeder(the one I have a crush on), seems to like me, but it's hard to tell because I don't really know him that well... He has been talking to me more lately, and my friend says that he watches me when I play the cello. This is good, except every time I am in his presence, I say or do something really stupid, so he probably has the wrong idea of me. Now the other Schroeder(the one I don't like), is very obviously crazy for me and its starting to get really frustrating. I don't know how to put him off me without being mean. Honestly, after spending time with him, my mood is always really grumpy and I feel like I want to strangle him. What do I do? How can you tell when a guy likes you, and is it okay to for a girl to ask a guy out? (I probably never would. Been there, done that, totally embarresing)
The other thing, is that people are starting to expect a whole lot more out of me. I am starting to feel the stress and pressure of being a reliable, responsible young adult and I like the feeling sometimes but hate it most of the time. This coincides with the fact that the drama director has asked me if I would like to write the sound track, or help write it, for next years play. An adapted play version of Les Mis. My instinct is to cry NOOOOO! but my smart side says, hey, GREAT opportunity. You'll regret saying no. So I am going to say yes, but AHHHHHH!! How can I write a sound track when I have barely written any music before?? Crazily enough, I expect that I am the most reasonable student to ask in our school because I know all about the Romantic period of music and am quite musical enough. I expect my mom will help me a lot. My idea is to take the Romantic style of music, and jazz it up with guitars, cello, piano, flute, drums and whatever other instruments the director wants.
I also need to really get into a routine for running, as I am planning on running the 10k in July.

Maddy - An adapted song written for Liz who came up with the idea, and it fits me perfectly.
Sung by The Wrong Schroeder to music played on the cello by Maddy

D'ya know something, Maddy?
I think the way you play the cello is nice.
D'ya know something else?
It's always been my dream that I'd marry a girl who plays the cello.

At parties she'd play something nice like "April Showers."
I'm sure you could play something nice like "April Showers,"
Or even "Frere Jacques."
Beethoven's nice too.

Just imagine
What would you think if someday you and I should get married?
Wouldn't you like that if someday we two should get married? (maddy shakes head while still playin on the cello)

My Aunt Marion was right, never try to discuss marriage with a musician.

..... so that's my life...."

#1: Flower on a Wall (Rachel's creative thingy/week thing)

2008-01-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

Musical response to: Does your cat have a moustache? by.. a group.

appologies for the tremulous voice... haven't been practicing enough.

armageddon

2008-01-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

YESTERDAY:
literally two feet away from breaking my back at a set of street lights
one exam away from being done highschool FOREVER
is the end of the world just around the corner?

ps. how can music be posted on a blog???

I want a bob.

defn: Humbleness

2008-01-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

Humbleness is a logical response to grace in our life.

You realize, My goodness, look what God has done to me! I didn't deserve anything! But see what he's done for me!
And you are overwhelmed with gratitude. Now, when you are filled with gratitude, you are focusing on somebody else, on Jesus, and what he has done for you, and not on yourself. Pride focuses on self. So when you experience grace, automatically the logical response is humility, because you realize, God has been so good to me. Now, because you realize that you don't deserve anything, then everything you get is a bonus, from God. And then you are not angry when someone else gets what you think you should be getting. You are not angry about it, because you know God has been so good to me! He's going to look after me! You are so happy that God has lifted you up, that you have a new aim in life, and that is to lift others up. Just like Jesus lifted me up, now I am going to lift other people up.

Romans 12:10
Outdo one another in showing honour.

You know, this is a very competitive society, and people are trying to push others down so as to go up. What Christians do is the exact opposite. We are competing with people to put them up. We put them up, so that God can be glorified by them. You know, this is the happiest way to live. When people are not a threat to you, it is a happy way to live. You realize, Jesus has lifted me up, and now I am going to lift others up! Let Jesus honor me when he wants to honour me, that's his business. I know he looks after me.

- Ajith Fernando

you say you want a resolution

2008-01-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

They say it takes three weeks to break a habit.

AM I STRANGE?

2007-12-15T18:05:00.000-08:00

i just want christmas to go away.